First off, let’s get one thing straight: I’m not here to guide you through how to properly prepare a Thanksgiving turkey. I’m Guy Fresh, not Guy Fieri.
And I’m not at all interested in giving advice on how to conduct yourself at your family gathering. You shouldn’t require an instruction manual to operate yourself on a day in which the main objectives include parking your @$$ on the couch, stuffing your face (full of stuffing), and not discussing the Paris Climate Accord with crazy Uncle Kevin.
But the morning leading up to the ultimate tradition of observing how people used to communicate before the Internet, on the other hand, can be quite difficult to navigate.
The Turkey Bowl
Many families have an annual turkey bowl tradition on the morning of Thanksgiving, and it can either be the best or worst part of your day. Make it a highlight from start to finish with these three items:
Beer: The thinking here is along the lines of visiting a gentlemen’s club: In reality, you might not be looking at much, but a few drinks make it a hell of a lot easier to enjoy.
Your sister’s new boyfriend is inexplicably calling audibles at the line of scrimmage despite the fact that there is no playbook and he’s using zero terminology common to the game of football. You can either let this piss you off or shotgun another beer and laugh about it. I suggest the latter.
Advil: No one makes it out of the turkey bowl unscathed. This is not only because you are in poor physical shape, but also because your high school-aged cousin is determined to crack some skulls across the middle in a game of two-hand touch. Sure, he recorded only 3 JV tackles in his high school career, but that won’t stop him from attempting to deliver Grandpa that elusive 4th hip replacement. So toss a few Advil in your bag—and try to at least wait until after the game to take them.
Fresh Wave: Be the undisputed MVP by tossing some Fresh Wave Packs in everyone’s shoes after the game. Because the only thing more disgusting than Gramma’s fruitcake is trying to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with the stench of the turkey bowl still wafting through the air.
I’m thankful I only had to fake working for two days this week.
Happy Turkey Day to all.